Kay. So, new blog. Not gonna bother with the old one anymore, it was getting annoying. I've just been thinking, while talking to a friend of mine for a while.
I've been wondering why I get so depressed when I'm alone, and I think I finally get it.
I'm so much more normal when I'm alone, too.
When I'm alone, I think. About my life, the people in it, and what's happening. When I'm with people, I don't think at all. I just talk. I don't remember half of what I say, and I don't control it. It's like my mind's finally quiet, and I don't have to worry about anything.
When I'm at home, sitting in my room, I think about my parents, their fighting, and all of the crap my brother does. Everything. You're most likely to have a real conversation with me when I'm depressed.
Oh, and the guy I like totally doesn't like me. At all. I'm a good friend, but nothing more. And my best friend won't shut up. Doesn't she get that I don't want to talk? I finally told her I had to go and that I couldn't talk anymore. I hate lying to people, but I felt it was necessary. I was afraid I was gonna yell at her or something, which is pretty out of character for me. I don't get angry at people, or at least I don't show it. So they never even know they've upset me. Unless they did something really horrible, in which case I forgive them in a day or two. There are certain people that I would never let see me angry, though.
You wouldn't think that a person like me would be self-concious, but I really am. More than you could ever know. After everything that I say or type or text, I get really nervous that I've said something wrong or that I'll get a bad reaction or that I'll upset someone. I hate it when people get angry with me- I expect to be yelled at mercilessly or hit or something. Of course, that doesn't happen. I get the silent treatment. Sometimes I wish people would do what I expect for once. I honestly don't mind pain, it's kind of a reminder that life isn't a fairy tale and that this is all real and that I better not screw it up.
Anyway.
This is mainly going to be me ranting.
There's so much that I want to talk about, but none of my friends want to listen. I don't have anyone to talk about my problems with, really. My best friends don't really care, and with anyone else it would be awkward. I usually get a "Oh, that's awful. So, how was your day?" or something like that from my besties. Oh well.
So this is probably not going to be terribly exciting.
About Me
- Sydney
- Blowing Rock, North Carolina, United States
- I'm 16, quite often bored, and have way too much time on my hands. Hence the blog.
2 comments:
I know what you mean...Life is so much simpler when you have people to occupy yourself with, but when your alone and start thinking, than you start to doubt some things or think to far into others.
And yeah...with the anger thing and everything, the same goes on here. Kind of like the first thing I said...I seem much more laid back when talking to people face-to-face, but at other times (like REALLY early in the morning, when talking about grades, or my parents pressing me about girls) I can get really edgy, and I hate it.
So, in a sense, I understand (to the best of my meager capabilities :P)
I just get kind of moody when I'm at home. That's why I like going out with you people so much- and cause it's tons of fun. :P I guess my family just agrivates me. Hah.
But I'm glad you understand- the innerworkings of my mind can be kind of confusing sometimes.
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