I now understand peer pressure.
There's this guy that my friend is trying to set me up with- He chatted me on Facebook, and these were the most memorable parts of the chat:
-He wanted me to send him hot pics.
-He asked if I liked making out.
-He said he'd like to do pushups with me sitting on his back. [Wtf?]
And he's just WEIRD! But a lot of people want me to give him a chance, and I honestly have a huge problem saying no to people, so I'm kind of screwed- I agreed to meet him Tuesday morning, and he's texting my because I was stupid enough to give him my number.
Can someone just kill me?
Why is it that when I finally stop thinking about boyfriends, a guy shows up? Even though he's a freak. And why is it that the only kind of guy that fits my standards [Which are incredibly high- I'm very picky o.O] has a girlfriend? It'snotfair!
I'm done ranting. Gonna go freak out some more and eat pistachios.
Tata.
Not much is really happening lately, aside from me being seriously stressed out and getting all anxious/nervous for absolutely no reason. I'll just be sitting in my room, reading or something, and then I get this painfully tight butterfly feeling in my stomach. It's annoying.
And so are people. But I'm not getting into that now.
I'm also kind of bleh because of Valentines day. It's really Single Awareness Day, A.K.A SAD.
I'm the only person I know of [besides one] that hasn't had a real, I-see-you-often relationship. My only relationship? It was with a manipulative jerk who was not at all what I remembered him to be, and who I haven't seen in years.
Fmllll.
Do you ever just want to tell people no, or to f--- off, but can't because you're too nice? That's been happening to me a lot lately. And I do mean a LOT.
I finally got Netflix, which dissapoints me. In order to get any of the good movies you have to pay $2 extra to have them mailed to you, instead of having them instantly online.
I searched for 22 different movies, and they only had one of them online.
But I can watch anime on it, so that's cool.
I'm watching Ouran High Host Club right now, and I must say I'm shocked that Haruhi's dad's a tranny. Like, really shocked. I didn't see that coming at ALL.
I've been having a really hard time sleeping/eating for the past three days, too. I haven't gone to bed any earlier than 5 AM, and I wake up at 6-7 AM. I've also skipped school for three days, and stayed home on my laptop. And I can't make my self eat anything, which is really annoying because I'm hungry, but when I eat something it just feels wrong and it makes my stomach hurt a lot. So I'm a starving, sleep deprived, anxious, antisocial, unloved mess right now. Or atleast I feel like one. But who knows, maybe I'm just delusional.
And I've realized that over the past three days, though I'm constantly online and doing things, I've actually done absolutely nothing. I rotate between checking forums, inboxes, and my email, none of which ever have anything new. Then I'll read a fanfiction or a chapter from a book. Then I start over.
And it's really annoying me.
I have to go to school tomorrow, which I'm not happy about. I know I'm going to be yelled at by Amelia for missing school, and no one else will have noticed. Kim would have, if she was here. But she's at the beach, having fun and ignoring my texts.
I don't know what else to put here, so. Sorry if this was really scattered- I'm in a wierd mood right now.
Bye.
And so are people. But I'm not getting into that now.
I'm also kind of bleh because of Valentines day. It's really Single Awareness Day, A.K.A SAD.
I'm the only person I know of [besides one] that hasn't had a real, I-see-you-often relationship. My only relationship? It was with a manipulative jerk who was not at all what I remembered him to be, and who I haven't seen in years.
Fmllll.
Do you ever just want to tell people no, or to f--- off, but can't because you're too nice? That's been happening to me a lot lately. And I do mean a LOT.
I finally got Netflix, which dissapoints me. In order to get any of the good movies you have to pay $2 extra to have them mailed to you, instead of having them instantly online.
I searched for 22 different movies, and they only had one of them online.
But I can watch anime on it, so that's cool.
I'm watching Ouran High Host Club right now, and I must say I'm shocked that Haruhi's dad's a tranny. Like, really shocked. I didn't see that coming at ALL.
I've been having a really hard time sleeping/eating for the past three days, too. I haven't gone to bed any earlier than 5 AM, and I wake up at 6-7 AM. I've also skipped school for three days, and stayed home on my laptop. And I can't make my self eat anything, which is really annoying because I'm hungry, but when I eat something it just feels wrong and it makes my stomach hurt a lot. So I'm a starving, sleep deprived, anxious, antisocial, unloved mess right now. Or atleast I feel like one. But who knows, maybe I'm just delusional.
And I've realized that over the past three days, though I'm constantly online and doing things, I've actually done absolutely nothing. I rotate between checking forums, inboxes, and my email, none of which ever have anything new. Then I'll read a fanfiction or a chapter from a book. Then I start over.
And it's really annoying me.
I have to go to school tomorrow, which I'm not happy about. I know I'm going to be yelled at by Amelia for missing school, and no one else will have noticed. Kim would have, if she was here. But she's at the beach, having fun and ignoring my texts.
I don't know what else to put here, so. Sorry if this was really scattered- I'm in a wierd mood right now.
Bye.
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Hullo. :3
I finally got more blonde highlights ;D My hair's all light and fluffy now, too, 'cause I got layers again. AND I HAVE BANGS AGAIN! Yeees :D
And school's actually going okay :] I've been doing my homework [miracle] and my teachers are amazing.
First period I have science with an awesome guy who lets us take a break in the middle of class to throw tennis balls at each other and pops three bags of popcorn for a movie xD He's great. And he actually makes the subject interesting, which is surprising because science is my second least favorite subject.
Second period I have math, which kind of sucks because my teacher's horrible. "I was always self-motivated, so if you're not I don't know how to help you." <-- Wtf, that's kind of the point of teaching. Helping kids learn. You idiot. But there are some perks- Like on homework, if you atleast try a problem and show all of your work, then you get it right no matter how off your answer is. So I have a bunch of 100's for homework grades now, which is awesome :] It's not the same for classwork & quizzes & tests, though. And she lets you turn stuff in after school or before school the next day- So if you forget, you can just do it that night and go in before school tomorrow and check it :] But she's still very jerk-y, and has promised us that we'll have homework every single night. And she hasn't failed to keep that promised.
Third period I have history. I LOVE my teacher xD He's hilarious, and he's really fun. And, like science, he makes history interesting, which is my least favorite subject. The only annoying part is that sometimes you can't tell if he's joking or not. But usually he is :P And sometimes he'll give you his awesome roll-y chair <3
Fourth period I have fashion merchandising, which is AWESOME. I kind of expected to hate it, just because I thought I'd be with a ton of fashion buffs [I am] and that I'd be like, "Uhhh... What?" and everyone else would be all, "OH EM GEE, CHANEL, CALVIN KLEIN, -Insert foreign designers name here-, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT ALL OF THESE DESIGNERS AND MAKE YOU FEEL STUPID!" <-- Er, bad attempt at a quote. But yeah. They do that, but not as much as I expected. And a lot of the girls are really quiet. But not awkward quiet, just listening quiet. And although we take tons of notes & quizzes, I don't mind because it's actually [i]really[/i] interesting. I dunno, it's just fun. xD
I have second lunch, which is during third period [all of them are]. But the only people I sit with are Andrea and Carrie, 'cause no one else has our lunch :c And I haven't seen Carrie in like, 2-3 years. It's always really quiet. e.o
But yeahh. This was a random update :3
Tata <3
I finally got more blonde highlights ;D My hair's all light and fluffy now, too, 'cause I got layers again. AND I HAVE BANGS AGAIN! Yeees :D
And school's actually going okay :] I've been doing my homework [miracle] and my teachers are amazing.
First period I have science with an awesome guy who lets us take a break in the middle of class to throw tennis balls at each other and pops three bags of popcorn for a movie xD He's great. And he actually makes the subject interesting, which is surprising because science is my second least favorite subject.
Second period I have math, which kind of sucks because my teacher's horrible. "I was always self-motivated, so if you're not I don't know how to help you." <-- Wtf, that's kind of the point of teaching. Helping kids learn. You idiot. But there are some perks- Like on homework, if you atleast try a problem and show all of your work, then you get it right no matter how off your answer is. So I have a bunch of 100's for homework grades now, which is awesome :] It's not the same for classwork & quizzes & tests, though. And she lets you turn stuff in after school or before school the next day- So if you forget, you can just do it that night and go in before school tomorrow and check it :] But she's still very jerk-y, and has promised us that we'll have homework every single night. And she hasn't failed to keep that promised.
Third period I have history. I LOVE my teacher xD He's hilarious, and he's really fun. And, like science, he makes history interesting, which is my least favorite subject. The only annoying part is that sometimes you can't tell if he's joking or not. But usually he is :P And sometimes he'll give you his awesome roll-y chair <3
Fourth period I have fashion merchandising, which is AWESOME. I kind of expected to hate it, just because I thought I'd be with a ton of fashion buffs [I am] and that I'd be like, "Uhhh... What?" and everyone else would be all, "OH EM GEE, CHANEL, CALVIN KLEIN, -Insert foreign designers name here-, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT ALL OF THESE DESIGNERS AND MAKE YOU FEEL STUPID!" <-- Er, bad attempt at a quote. But yeah. They do that, but not as much as I expected. And a lot of the girls are really quiet. But not awkward quiet, just listening quiet. And although we take tons of notes & quizzes, I don't mind because it's actually [i]really[/i] interesting. I dunno, it's just fun. xD
I have second lunch, which is during third period [all of them are]. But the only people I sit with are Andrea and Carrie, 'cause no one else has our lunch :c And I haven't seen Carrie in like, 2-3 years. It's always really quiet. e.o
But yeahh. This was a random update :3
Tata <3
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So, I miiiight be back into blogging... Just maybe.
For whatever reason, I can't blog when I'm happy, or when I have people to listen to me. I mean [i]really[/i] listen to me- Not just nod and say okay and go "That sucks." I hate it when people do that. And yet most of the people I know do... Oh well.
It's kind of the same with cutting. If I really, truely feel alone, then it doesn't matter. But if I feel like people really care and are affected by it? I can't do it. I don't know why. I'm not being all, "OMG NOBODY LOVES MEEEE!" It's just that there are some things you feel like you can't tell anyone, you know? Or even if I do tell someone, it just doesn't help- And it eats away at me. 'Cause what I hide is usually pretty big.
And I'm terrified of a lot of things, which keeps me from telling people when I'm going through something. And I just hate being a burden to people... I feel like I'm bothering them. I know I'm not, but I just feel like it.
My biggest fear is of rejection.
Then I'm afraid of pain.
I'm afraid of being hated.
I'm afraid of losing people. And a lot more.
And it's really hard for me to trust people- Only certain types of people. Random people from school? Yeah, sure. Anyone that's trying to "help" me? It'll take you years to earn my trust.
So this is just a random emotional blog post o.O
I'm considering telling a really good friend of mine one of my biggest secrets. It ranks about 3rd or 4th, I think. The first one I could never tell anyone that doesn't already know. Well, that's the second, actually- The first one only I know. Third is a lot about my life at home, also something I can't tell anyone.
But yeahh. I think only three people know the one I might tell them.
It's strange, and they'd never guess it, but they're the easiest person for me to talk to. They know more about my emotional state than anyone else, and have for a while. I tell them things before I tell anyone else, usually. Not lately, though. Which really bothers me, because I miss them. :[ A lot.
I'm gonna stop this here.
Tata. <3
For whatever reason, I can't blog when I'm happy, or when I have people to listen to me. I mean [i]really[/i] listen to me- Not just nod and say okay and go "That sucks." I hate it when people do that. And yet most of the people I know do... Oh well.
It's kind of the same with cutting. If I really, truely feel alone, then it doesn't matter. But if I feel like people really care and are affected by it? I can't do it. I don't know why. I'm not being all, "OMG NOBODY LOVES MEEEE!" It's just that there are some things you feel like you can't tell anyone, you know? Or even if I do tell someone, it just doesn't help- And it eats away at me. 'Cause what I hide is usually pretty big.
And I'm terrified of a lot of things, which keeps me from telling people when I'm going through something. And I just hate being a burden to people... I feel like I'm bothering them. I know I'm not, but I just feel like it.
My biggest fear is of rejection.
Then I'm afraid of pain.
I'm afraid of being hated.
I'm afraid of losing people. And a lot more.
And it's really hard for me to trust people- Only certain types of people. Random people from school? Yeah, sure. Anyone that's trying to "help" me? It'll take you years to earn my trust.
So this is just a random emotional blog post o.O
I'm considering telling a really good friend of mine one of my biggest secrets. It ranks about 3rd or 4th, I think. The first one I could never tell anyone that doesn't already know. Well, that's the second, actually- The first one only I know. Third is a lot about my life at home, also something I can't tell anyone.
But yeahh. I think only three people know the one I might tell them.
It's strange, and they'd never guess it, but they're the easiest person for me to talk to. They know more about my emotional state than anyone else, and have for a while. I tell them things before I tell anyone else, usually. Not lately, though. Which really bothers me, because I miss them. :[ A lot.
I'm gonna stop this here.
Tata. <3
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So, I was looking at some stuff the other day and I came across something called self-embedding. Apparently it's like hardcore cutting- Instead of just inserting a sharp object and removing it or slicing your skin with it, you stick it in deep and leave it. It's not very common at all, and it's very little known. I just thought it was interesting, even though it's kind of disturbing. There was one case where a girl unfolded two paperclips [out to 16 cm] and shoved them into her upper arms so that whenever she flexed her biceps, or moved them at all, she would feel pain. It's pretty clever. There was one where they found over 20 objects embedded in a person arm- From unbent staples to paperclips, screws, chunks of crayons, needles, etc. They use all kinds of crap. That'd scare the crap out of me- Knowing that there was something in me that wasn't supposed to be there like that. Plus you can get bone infections and deep tissue infections from it.
And apparently cutting really "isn't a problem" anymore. Doctors and psyciatrists don't consider someone who cuts to be at risk for suicide. Unless they show other signs, of course. But it's not really something they're going all OMG over anymore. And they say it actually might have some benefits to it- And that if you're trying to stop someone, then don't say "Stop immediately!".
I think that's really screwed up, but whatever.
Aside from that:
My friend Kim came home with me today. We played with my Wii for a few hours [Christmas present <3] and aggrivated the crap out of eachother. xD In a friendly way, of course- We laugh about it at the end.
I bought some bracelets from Rue21- Starting my collection of jelly bracelets again. :] <3
I'm on episode 20 of Kuroshitsuji, which is awesome.
I love Sebastian, Ceil, and Grell. <3 And the Undertaker. And Pluto :D And everybody. xD Especially Tanaka.
But I hate Elizabeth.
She should die.
Started a new semester... All of my classes are okay. Math will suck, because my teacher was all "Yeah, you'll have homework EVERY NIGHT, without fail, so be prepared." Which sucks. But I have Kim in first period [Honors Earth/Environmental Science] and a bunch of other people I know, but none that I consider good friends except her; Andrea and a few other people I know in third [World History]; and Amelia in fourth [Fashion Merchandising]. Then there's this girl Kaelinn in my math class that's really nice, and a few other people I know. So, I should be able to survive the semester. :P
Just a little update, I guess.
Tata.
And apparently cutting really "isn't a problem" anymore. Doctors and psyciatrists don't consider someone who cuts to be at risk for suicide. Unless they show other signs, of course. But it's not really something they're going all OMG over anymore. And they say it actually might have some benefits to it- And that if you're trying to stop someone, then don't say "Stop immediately!".
I think that's really screwed up, but whatever.
Aside from that:
My friend Kim came home with me today. We played with my Wii for a few hours [Christmas present <3] and aggrivated the crap out of eachother. xD In a friendly way, of course- We laugh about it at the end.
I bought some bracelets from Rue21- Starting my collection of jelly bracelets again. :] <3
I'm on episode 20 of Kuroshitsuji, which is awesome.
I love Sebastian, Ceil, and Grell. <3 And the Undertaker. And Pluto :D And everybody. xD Especially Tanaka.
But I hate Elizabeth.
She should die.
Started a new semester... All of my classes are okay. Math will suck, because my teacher was all "Yeah, you'll have homework EVERY NIGHT, without fail, so be prepared." Which sucks. But I have Kim in first period [Honors Earth/Environmental Science] and a bunch of other people I know, but none that I consider good friends except her; Andrea and a few other people I know in third [World History]; and Amelia in fourth [Fashion Merchandising]. Then there's this girl Kaelinn in my math class that's really nice, and a few other people I know. So, I should be able to survive the semester. :P
Just a little update, I guess.
Tata.
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