Randomm.

So, I miiiight be back into blogging... Just maybe.
For whatever reason, I can't blog when I'm happy, or when I have people to listen to me. I mean [i]really[/i] listen to me- Not just nod and say okay and go "That sucks." I hate it when people do that. And yet most of the people I know do... Oh well.
It's kind of the same with cutting. If I really, truely feel alone, then it doesn't matter. But if I feel like people really care and are affected by it? I can't do it. I don't know why. I'm not being all, "OMG NOBODY LOVES MEEEE!" It's just that there are some things you feel like you can't tell anyone, you know? Or even if I do tell someone, it just doesn't help- And it eats away at me. 'Cause what I hide is usually pretty big.
And I'm terrified of a lot of things, which keeps me from telling people when I'm going through something. And I just hate being a burden to people... I feel like I'm bothering them. I know I'm not, but I just feel like it.
My biggest fear is of rejection.
Then I'm afraid of pain.
I'm afraid of being hated.
I'm afraid of losing people. And a lot more.
And it's really hard for me to trust people- Only certain types of people. Random people from school? Yeah, sure. Anyone that's trying to "help" me? It'll take you years to earn my trust.
So this is just a random emotional blog post o.O
I'm considering telling a really good friend of mine one of my biggest secrets. It ranks about 3rd or 4th, I think. The first one I could never tell anyone that doesn't already know. Well, that's the second, actually- The first one only I know. Third is a lot about my life at home, also something I can't tell anyone.
But yeahh. I think only three people know the one I might tell them.
It's strange, and they'd never guess it, but they're the easiest person for me to talk to. They know more about my emotional state than anyone else, and have for a while. I tell them things before I tell anyone else, usually. Not lately, though. Which really bothers me, because I miss them. :[ A lot.
I'm gonna stop this here.
Tata. <3

Update?

So, I was looking at some stuff the other day and I came across something called self-embedding. Apparently it's like hardcore cutting- Instead of just inserting a sharp object and removing it or slicing your skin with it, you stick it in deep and leave it. It's not very common at all, and it's very little known. I just thought it was interesting, even though it's kind of disturbing. There was one case where a girl unfolded two paperclips [out to 16 cm] and shoved them into her upper arms so that whenever she flexed her biceps, or moved them at all, she would feel pain. It's pretty clever. There was one where they found over 20 objects embedded in a person arm- From unbent staples to paperclips, screws, chunks of crayons, needles, etc. They use all kinds of crap. That'd scare the crap out of me- Knowing that there was something in me that wasn't supposed to be there like that. Plus you can get bone infections and deep tissue infections from it.
And apparently cutting really "isn't a problem" anymore. Doctors and psyciatrists don't consider someone who cuts to be at risk for suicide. Unless they show other signs, of course. But it's not really something they're going all OMG over anymore. And they say it actually might have some benefits to it- And that if you're trying to stop someone, then don't say "Stop immediately!".
I think that's really screwed up, but whatever.
Aside from that:
My friend Kim came home with me today. We played with my Wii for a few hours [Christmas present <3] and aggrivated the crap out of eachother. xD In a friendly way, of course- We laugh about it at the end.
I bought some bracelets from Rue21- Starting my collection of jelly bracelets again. :] <3
I'm on episode 20 of Kuroshitsuji, which is awesome.
I love Sebastian, Ceil, and Grell. <3 And the Undertaker. And Pluto :D And everybody. xD Especially Tanaka.
But I hate Elizabeth.
She should die.

Started a new semester... All of my classes are okay. Math will suck, because my teacher was all "Yeah, you'll have homework EVERY NIGHT, without fail, so be prepared." Which sucks. But I have Kim in first period [Honors Earth/Environmental Science] and a bunch of other people I know, but none that I consider good friends except her; Andrea and a few other people I know in third [World History]; and Amelia in fourth [Fashion Merchandising]. Then there's this girl Kaelinn in my math class that's really nice, and a few other people I know. So, I should be able to survive the semester. :P

Just a little update, I guess.
Tata.