The Mad House

So, I'm REALLY sad now.
I can't go to homecoming, because my dad's a jerk and he lied to me and now I don't have a dress and none of them I can find are good enough. So I can't go, because I don't have a dress.
You have no idea how much that crushed me. I guess it seems silly, but it was really important to me. On top of that, I've just felt like crying all day. I've been thinking a lot about Vince, and what happened with him. I told a friend something not so pleasant that I'd been wanting to tell them for weeks. My other friend totally doesn't care about me. Everyone I see has a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and of course I'm single. So. Everything pretty much sucks right now. Now my ribs hurt like crazy, because I was sitting there screaming into a pillow for fifteen minutes because I didn't have a knife and it was so tempting it was crazy. Pathetic, right? Yeah. Then I went downstairs, got a knife, came back upstairs, and sat against my bed with it. I was holding it too tightly and it cut the skin near my ribs [And my shirt. :c Good thing it was old and icky]. So now I have blood all over my stomach, and it hurts. I feel a little better, though. Incase your wondering, no, I was NOT feeling suicidal over homecoming. Did I want to cut? Oh, yeah.
So I'm really upset now, and none of my friends will answer me on Skype, and it's making me even more upset.

So the guy that said no is being even MORE of a jerk to me. We were talking about it, because he thought it was wrong that I'd told my friends. Pshh.
Sydney: She told me about how you said no to her, and I was like, "Well if he's nice to her and he's just a jerk to me, then he obviously doesn't care at all... :/"
Tanner: well she asked me to date and going to a dance is different
Sydney: Just because it's different doesn't mean you should treat the person differently.
Sydney: What, just because I didn't ask you out means I don't deserve to be let down nicely?
Tanner: people have different perspectives about this


UGGGGGGGGGGH. He's totally going to send me over the edge with the cutting thing- I can't stand him.

Other than that, I told Emma something important today- May be telling other close friends. She didn't hate me for it, so hopefully they won't if I tell them. One of my friends I know I can never tell because she'd totally shun me, which makes me sad, but that's the way it is. :c

Guess that's it for now.
Bye.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Okay, so, I'm typing out this whole freaking conversation.
Atleast what parts I have of it.
I asked a guy I know to homecoming, since I THOUGHT he was really nice and cool. And every single person I know thought he liked me and would say yes.
I asked him to call me, since I was going to ask him to homecoming. He didn't know that.
He said why?
I said because, I'll tell you when you call.
He said why.
I said I have to ask you something.
He asked if it was about homecoming.
And I have the logs now.
Me: Yes
Him: are you going to ask me to go with you?
Me: ...Yes? :P
Him: idk if i am even going yet, plus i was already going to ask someone else but i do not know if she will go with me, you better not get upset about it, btw are we meeting at the sign? [Neighborhood sign, he lives near me]
Me: Who are you asking?
Him: i was thinking about asking allie why?
Him: are we still meeting at the sign or not?
Him: are you guys pondering about why i would ask her? [Yeah, we were. My best friend was with me. He's barely ever talked to her, and she's like a million lightyears out of his league. She's so pretty. And just the day before, he'd said "Personality's what matters!"]
Me: Um, yeah...
Him: so are we meeting?
Him: sydney i honestly don't have time to wait around for a reply so are we meeting or not and if we do it is the [insert my neighborhoods name here] sign
Me: Why are you asking her?
Him: sydney are we meeting or not
Me: Answer me first. Why her?
Him: why does it matter
Me: I wanna know
Him: well i wanna know why you like tiny tim [Tim's this guy I though/think is adorable. He's really nice, but I don't LIKE him. This comment led me to believe he was being jealous or something. :/ He hates the guy, and every time I mention him he goes all GRRRRR]
Me: Seriously. Is THAT what this is about? I don't even like him
Him: what the heck you liked him last week
Me: Um, more like last month. What does that have to do with anything?
Him: why does allie have to do with anything btw it is to late to meet unless you come now [Uh, cause we're talking about her, stupid? And btw, it was 4:30. Late? I think not. :/]
Me: Sure. Kim's coming with me. [I gave in, Lol.]
Him: ok
Him: are you going the right way
Me: Yeah, we'll be there in a minute.
Him: it sure is taking a while [It took five minutes.]
Me: On our way...

Then he attempts to give me directions for walking down a road. One road. Ughh. Douche. :/ When we got there, he acted like nothing happened. And he was pretty persistant about meeting, as you can see, so we asked why and he was all, "oh i was just bored".

Is he a jerk or what?
To top it all off, he doesn't get why I'm mad and still wants to be friends.
Another thing. When my friend asked him out, he said "Well I value our friendship, and I wouldn't want to mess that up". I'm just told that I BETTER not get upset about it. :/
Yeah, I'm pissed.
On top of that, the dress I want for homecoming [I'm going alone, cause I suck I guess.] is $250. Then there's shoes, a bag, and jewelry. Oh, and mani pedi. URGHHHH.

Gonna die. :[

Hey again. So, I can't decide if life sucks right now or if it's okay. Lane's moving out, which is AWESOME. But everything else pretty much sucks. My parents are yelling all the time, Lane's threatening to kill people, and I come home to find my mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm never alone anymore, and I don't get to sing anymore, which makes me sad cause I usually only write when I sing. I don't know why. My laptop's dead, poor Eve. This girl I barely know hates me, and she's such a whore. I hate her, too.
There's a guy I might be going out with soon, but I dunno.
I'm really upset, cause I was with three friends and we were at the mall, and one of them just bought a homecoming dress there [$37 from a place called Souths, they're really nice, but expensive, she got hers on sale] and another friend had one put on layaway [$90, same place] And it kind of bothers me that I don't have that kind of money to just throw around on a whim. My shopping habits would support it, but I don't. And I was SO upset that none of the dresses looked right on me... My friends look good in ANYTHING. And I mean anything. I guess they just don't make nice dresses for fat girls. :/
Then one of my friends seems sad all the time and won't talk to me. I really miss them, too.
I'm thinking of telling a few people something about me that no one knows- I'm tired of hiding it.
Apart from that I've been feeling suicidal lately, and I've been so tempted to start cutting again...
Ugh. I don't know what to do.
Fml.