The Mad House

Happy Saturday. <3 :]
So, Maryland is a no-go. Which saddens me :c But there’ll always be another one.
I’m in Atlanta, have been for two days. I’ve done pretty much nothing. It was a part of the plan to let my parents let me go to Maryland, but that failed. I had this really big, elaborate, week long plan all set out in my head. I was proud of it, too. It would make me feel like crap after it was over, but some of the things I was going to say in my little speech were true. But still. The guilt card works both ways. I know just how to push my moms buttons in a way to get what I want, same with my dad. I have to use seperate tactics, as my dad’s a lot harder than my mom is. My mom is the emotional one, and therefore you use emotions to get to her. My dad is the logical one, and so you have to reason with him with logic. I can be quite manipulative if I want to.
Most people think there’s not much to me, that I’m some brainless hyperactive girl who dresses weird on occasion. I seem pretty harmless. I like it that way, too. People are more careless around me and aren’t as defensive as they should be.
A random peek into the mind of the blogger. :]
Read the second Generation Dead book, loved it. Pheobe’s an idiot, though. TOMMY. Dur. Now I’m reading a book called Remember Me, by Christopher Pike. Good so far, only a few pages in. I’m multi-tasking. And being forced to listen to Lady Gaga. DJ likes to work to the radio, so I had to turn it on and it’s in my room. Er, the family room. But it’s where my cot is. Getting my headphones in a minute, I finally found them.
Going over to my half-brother and my sister in laws house tomorrow. I love them, especially Ali, she’s awesome. They have so many hilarious stories, and she’s just so funny. Ali blows glass, a newfound hobby, and Russell’s in a heavy metal band. I don’t know which one he’s in now… There was Stranger by Day and Drag the Waters before. Don’t know what he’s in now. But they hung out with Slipknot last year! Ali and Russell did, anyway. Apparently they go to tons of concerts. I wish I could see them more often, they live seven hours away. :[ But hopefully they’ll come up for a holiday this year. My other half-brother’s a hermit, and hates everyone apparently. Haven’t seen him since a wedding, either his or Russell’s. I think it was Russell’s. I don’t think I went to Danny’s. Oh well, they’re awesome. :P
Annoyed, cause I left all of my face powder concealer crap, whatever it is, in North Carolina. I have everything else though. I’ve started wearing eyeliner, never did before. And I dyed my hair red. :P I like it, nobody that’s seen it in person has really commented on it, which annoys me, cause that makes me think it looks bad and people don’t want to offend me. Ughh.
I feel like I’m avoiding everyone, but I’m really not. I haven’t talked to Emma in about two days, which is odd cause she’s pretty much my best friend. She’s the only one I talk to on a daily basis, for hours at a time, til like 5 or 6 in the morning. Haven’t seen Havierre in a little more than a week. I haven’t seen or talked to Kim in a few days, maybe four or five. Amelia’s in Connecticut. I dunno, I just feel all antisocial. I kind of go from one extreme to the other. During the school year, I barely ever went out with my friends. After school was over, we went out pretty much every day. Now I don’t see them much anymore, again.
Lately I’ve been feeling rather icky. Doing my hair and make up for no reason other than to look pretty. Nobody other than my mirror’s going to see it, anyway.
I’m kind of looking forward to high school now. Before I was terrified of it, and I guess I still am. I’m just tired of this. My life is pretty repetitive right now. Wake up, eat. Get on my laptop. Watch T.V. Talk to Emma. Sleep. Wake up. Go to Atlanta. Paint. Come back. Sleep. Wake up. Eat. Laptop. T.V. Emma. Sleep. I guess I’m just looking for something new. I miss people, and I miss laughing with people that I can see and touch and talk to outloud. I miss the sound of people’s voices. I’m scared of going to High school, but that’s a good thing to me. I want to be scared. I don’t want to be fine with everything that comes my way. Fear is new, and it’s exciting. Acceptance isn’t. Maryland is new and exciting. Atlanta isn’t. I hate boring. But I live boringly.
You know, the book Generation Dead: Kiss of Life has made me think about a lot of things. Second chances, how to take them. Life, death, afterlife, suicide, people, loss. Reactions. I do a lot of what I do for reactions. I like seeing how other people see me, and decoding facial expressions.
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Exactly why I don’t have a boyfriend. Broke up with Vince, by the way. I don’t even know why. It’s just different now than it was before. Before, all he cared about was me. He’d constantly ask me how I was and if I was okay and tell me to be careful. He’d call me Love, like British people do. I adored that. I adored him. He’d tell me he loved me at least three times every time we talked, and I honestly think he meant it. I know we’re young, and young people just think they love but they really don’t, but I think he did love me. Not a lot of people stuck by him when he was in the hospital, and I was pretty much the only one who did. I talked to him every day by email, and the past year or two by AIM. He’d become so attached to me that all you could really describe it as is love.
I don’t really know how I felt about him. Dedicated? I did care about him, a lot. But I don’t know if I loved him. Probably not, it just felt that way. I was just so attached to him. It wasn’t a charity case kind of thing, definitely not. But I don’t think it was a simple little crush, either. I don’t know.
But lately, things have changed. I have more people in my life now, and so does he. He’s been out of the hospital a lot more lately, and he’s been meeting people and making friends. And that’s awesome. But it’s just not the same anymore. He never tells me to be careful anymore, or asks how I am more than once in a conversation. And when he does it’s just out of courtesy. He tells me he loves me once, whenever one of use has to go. “I love you, bye.” He doesn’t call me love anymore, just hun. I don’t know, it’s just different. And I think I’m ready for it to end. He’s been my rock for years, but he’s also been what’s torn me down many times. One time, he tried to kill himself. I was texting him when it happened, and it killed me that I couldn’t stop him. I felt so horrible, like I wasn’t good enough. It drove me crazy. I was sitting in my bedroom for hours, bawling, counting the minutes since the last text message. I tried to talk him out of it. But after a certain message, they just stopped. There wasn’t another one. So I laid there until one in the afternoon the next day, crying and thinking about it. I felt like I just wasn’t important enough. There have been more times like that when he’s been what upset me. But he’s helped me through a lot of things, too. Like when my parents fight, or my brother goes on his rampages. Vince makes me feel safe. But I just think it’s time for it to end. We’re still friends, of course, but it’s even more different now. I know I really hurt him, and I hate it. But it needed to be done. I remember when we first started talking on AIM, and we talked on IMVU, too. We had this friend named Alex. Alex called me Cherry, and Vince called me Button. Lol. I made a yahoo account to talk to Alex, and I couldn’t think of one, so I called it Cherryflavoredbuttons :P Hah. I really miss how it used to be, like that. When everything was careless and fun and there was no drama. Then Alex was all gay for Vince. And then we started dating. Things changed, but they were still okay. Then all of this happened. x.x
Anyway. I don’t talk to people about this stuff, that’s why it all has to go here. It’s gotta go somewhere. :P People think I’m all happy and cheery.
By the way.
I know you all probably think I’m really whiny and whatnot. I’m not, I promise! D: I just usually blog when I’m feeling some kind of emotion really strongly. Either anger or sadness, mostly. Sometimes I’m really happy or excited. But I’m not gonna blog when I’m just content. “Oh, yeah. I’m good. Things are going okay. Uhm… Well, that’s it. Bye?” There’s nothing to it. So, I save it all for when I’m motivated. I promise I’m not this whiny when I’m talking to people. I’m usually pretty cheery :P I’m always happy when you talk to me in person. If I’m texting you or I’m IMing you, I might not be as happy. But usually I am.
So, anyway. Listening to The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars. Saw the song in a commercial for some “Edge” CD. I liked it, so I YouTube’d it. Oh, anyone else notice YouTube was down for a few minutes a couple of days ago? It was for Emma and I, at least. Wouldn’t let me log in, before it went down. Then the whole site died. e.e; ‘Tis back. But that was scary. When YouTube is dead, you KNOW something’s wrong with the world.
Urgh, I hate this radio! There are NO ‘rock’ stations here. What I listen to isn’t really rock, but I don’t know what else to describe it as. It’s not punk, like Kim says. It’s not screamo anymore, like I used to listen to. It’s not heavy metal. The radio station calls it rock. But it’s not. The odd crap the rest of my friends listen to is rock. According to them, at least. I do like screamo and heavy metal, though. Alesana’s the perfect example. I’ll always love them :P Lately it’ been a song by The Sick Puppies, Three Days Grace, Rise Against, this song by 30 Seconds to Mars, and some random stuff mixed in. But there’s nothing on this darn radio that I like :c Thank God I have this portable wifi hotspot thing. Even though it’s annoyingly slow.
Just like this blog post is annoyingly long. >.>’ I have nothing else to do. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, or getting on AIM. Wolf-Haven, ChickenSmoothie, Facebook, and Woolly-Hooves aren’t very appealing to me right now. I’m addicted to too many games :x I’ll probably end up playing solitaire. I could read, but I don’t feel like it. I don’t know why. I can’t read properly when listening to music, and I don’t want to turn it off. It’s too hot and humid outside. Thank God we don’t have anything to eat, I tend to eat when I’m bored.
I feel weird typing “Thank God”. I say it pretty casually when I’m talking out loud, but typing it makes me think about it. I’m athiest, though my friend swears she could convert me if I would let her talk to me for an hour about Christianity. I’m fine where I am, though my mom hates it and my grandma would have a heart attack if she found out. Anyway, back to the weirdness. I feel wrong saying it, like I have no right. But I’m so used to it, that I don’t usually give it a second thought when I’m saying it. Oh well.
I wish someone would text me. I love getting texts, I don’t know why. Even from people I don’t want to hear from, and I’ve been trying to ignore for like, four months., People who can’t get the freaking message. –Cough, cough-. This guy that’s getting kind of freaky on me. Oh well. He’ll go away if I ignore him long enough, I hope. Anyway. I love getting texts from my FRIENDS. Random strangers are always interesting, though. It kind of creeps me out cause I don’t know how they got my number, but it’s usually a wrong number.
Woot. So now I’m hanging upside down off my cot :P This blog has taken me like, three hours to write. I’ll write some, stop, do something else, then write more. I’m sure I seem totally bipolar or schizophrenic, my mood changes so much.
My hair’s getting quite messy, I’ve been flopping around so much x.x OOOH. I bought a hat! I never wear hats. But my mom screwed up my hair, so I had to get one. It’s like a mobster hat >:3 Black, with a black satin band around it. Like the hats Neal Caffrey wears. Ooh, Neal Caffrey <3 White Collar started Tuesday. Pretty Little Liars was on Tuesday, too! OHMYGOSH. I can’t believe that! The ending! I can’t wait for Tuesday. I thought Emily and Tobi made such a cute couple, too! D: URGHH. Darn him. x.x And Mr. Fitz totally needs to get over it and get back with Aria. I don’t care how old they are. D:<
Blurgh. Still really bored ;o; I shall get on Facebook. Nobody ever messages me, anyway. e.e; Not to talk.
Oh, and I’ma paint my nails. Black, of course. With my little vial of Hot Topic nail polish <3 I love that store so much.
Excited about my shopping spree with my grandma. :] We’re hitting the malls in Charlotte, which obviously have more than our “Mall”. Back to school clothes shopping. <3 The only thing school is good for, other than the people.
Ohkay, nails are painted. Watch me screw them up as I type, because I’m too impatient to let them dry :] My right hand is already dead, since that’s the one I use to paint them and I can do pretty much nothing with my left. I’m jealous of people who can use both, their nails must be perfect. :[
I’ve moved on to This is War by 30 Seconds to Mars. I like et. <3
My foot’s been asleep for like, half an hour. Lol.
See? Before I was all, “Rawr, depressing!” and now I’m all, “HUR HURRR, FEET!”
I tell you whut.
I’m hyper now. <3
There are two sides of me that most people don’t see: My serious side [Fer cereal!], and my uber hyper side. Eimmurloo has seen both :P Kim-A-Kwee has seen both. Most people assume they’ve seen my ultra hyperness, but they have not! I’m just like “NOODLES!” right now. I call my dog Noodles sometimes <3 I don’t know why, her name’s Trixie? o.o; I’m naming my next dog Noodles. :D I love that smiley <3 ;) <--- I felt like using the winky face, since I never do. Hulooo. <3 Ultra long blog! Hurrah! I’ma give you an e-cookie if you read my little novella :P
Weeeeell, I think I’m done. My nails are done, yay! ^^
Todolooo! :D